I am lost

Today I watch 溏心风暴 got one scene is about a guy’s name is Alfred. After break up, he always writes his daily journal, he cannot let go his beloved girl friend. Suddenly every previous thing comes back to my mine, from January I start to write message to him, one day follow by one day, non stop. Until 100 messages. Too bad to say that he tell me he don’t receive any message. The guy in the drama series, Alfred say when a person is sad, what he want to do just write out the feeling. When I am sad I really have think about it. When I am sad, i feel that I want to have one person to care of me, accompany me. However no body can do it, I message to my friend “ I taught you are that person can accompany when I am down, lonely and sad but he told me he couldn’t make it . It’s because he has girl friend, his girl friend don’t like it. Apart from that, my roommate has told me, when a guy already has girl friend, they won’t have times and effort to console or comfort you. Last time I always feel I am very lucky, god always with me and help me. Now I don’t think that, I just thinking when I have problem, I need to learn to be strong and bear it. No body will care, no body can help, no body can even listen or understand. i tell my friend if one day he come back to me, i won’t together with him again. I don’t know why I don’t feel want to angry him. It’s funny to say that I have tried to angry him, I fail to do it. Hahaha, I can’t believe that I will try to angry a person. I am such a weirdo. For him, no angry, no happy but sad. I always think that I can forget him, treat him as a unimportant person or this person never appear in my life before. Unfortunately, I cannot make it. When I think back, my tear will drop automatically, cannot stop. While I am crying, i know that I cannot lie to myself I still miss him and love him very much. In his mind I am just a character can be forget and throw away. Everything that happened previously is it a dream? Our story is just exact same like the love story in movie or drama. Is all this just a fake to me? Who is him? I can’t recognize who is him now. What is reality? How’s human character? I am really tired of all this kind of thing. I want to cry! Cry and cry and cry until tired then sleep. My classmate told me that people have prejudice to me because I don’t even can manage my thing properly. I always try my best to do everything. May be I really cannot control what people say, maybe my life already not the same as other people, I don’t know what I do consider correct, what is my responsibility? I have no direction. I cannot protect myself, how I going to protect other people? How I going to make my family don’t worry about me? I am so tired now. May everything that happen before just a nightmare for me, after wake up then I will forget everything. Be tough, be happy, you can do it Wan Ting.